Scared...😣😣

I’m so scared!

I’ve been having those thoughts....
The ones that make me want to feel physical pain. But I dont want to go back to that. I don’t want to be that girl who had scars everywhere. I want to be strong .. I don’t want to give in. 

It’s just sucks that I’m having all this pain but I can’t feel it. I want to feel it! 

I want to have a reason to actually feel pain.....

It’s hurts that bad .... that......

That I want to do it ! 😢 

Lost...Forever

Am I in the wrong for wanting to run away? I’m not sure how much I can handle. My life is a mess more than it’s ever been.... what can I do to make it all better? I just want to stop hurting, I want to actually be able to smile and not just fake it...


My heart hurts every time I breathe.. I want to just lock myself in a room and cry! But I can’t...
I’m tired of having people talking in my ear and making me confuse about things. Everything was ok until I got pregnant & that’s where everything went down hill. 


My baby is the greatest blessing & I don’t want her to later on sufferer because of everything. I want to give her the life she deserves.. I want her to be able to have her family together whenever she wants. But I’m not sure if that’s ever going to be possible without having people making faces at each other! 

I deserve to be happy... that’s all I’ve ever wanted to be! 

But I’m not..... 

I feel like I’m dying! 

I don’t even know who I married anymore.... everything was just lies! 

If I knew about this before ... I wouldn’t have stayed.... I would have went and did my life elsewhere!
Maybe it would have been better... maybe I wouldn’t have suffered so much... maybe I would still be complete! 


But no, I’m shattered! 

Nothing will ever mend me together. 

I’m dust.... lost in the wind with everything else! 

Broken 😢

I can’t do anything but cry...... I try to distract myself but I just end up remembering and all I do is cry. It’s all too painful... it’s all so fresh! I don’t know if I can forgive this time. I’ve given my life and soul just for it to be stomped on. It’ll never be the same ... it just won’t! I’ve lost part of my heart 💔 a heart that once was red is now black!


Why??? That’s all I can ask is why?

Why did you do it?
Why didn’t you care?
Why didn’t you think of me?
Why was it an option?
Why hurt me?
Why her?
Why let her ruin us?
Why give her a reason to laugh at me?
Why give her the power?
Why did you have to break me?
Why was I not enough?
Why make me hate myself even more?
Why did you even stay with me?
Why did you even bother to touch me again?

JUST FUCKING WHY ?!?!?!?!?

I am SOOOOOOO sorry !!!!! Update !!! :)

Just like my title says,

I'm SOOOOOOO sorry that I've been gone from my blog for so long. It's been such a crazy journey so far.
My amazing fiance moved out to MN and we've been living in this cozy one bedroom apartment.

It's a very nice place to live, except management SUCKS !!!

We had a pitbull called "Olaf" ... haha it's a long story. Anyways he was just the best buddy i could ask for.
As many already know i suffer from depression & anxiety. :( it's the worst .. i feel like it controls half of my life. I feel trapped in all these emotions that i'm so terrified to even show. Having Olaf with me i felt a bit of comfort, he was always there and it's like he knew when i wanted to break down because he would never leave my side.

Sadly because of management sucking so BAD !!! They didn't allow us to keep him mainly because he was part " pitbull " BULLSHIT I KNOW... gosh it broke my heart that i had to give my baby away.
We mainly got him because he was helping me with my depression. I even registered him as my emotional support animal & they still wouldn't let me keep him. after battling with what we were going to do with him, we finally decided to give him to my fiance's little cousin who's birthday was coming up and had been asking for a puppy.

That let me calm down knowing hes with a family that will love him & ill be able to visit him whenever i want.. or well when i go to South Dakota.

I Just Don't Know

I Just Don't Know....


I just don't know whats going to happen....
I just don't know if i'm ever going to be ok...
I just don't know if any of it is worth it....
I just don't know if there will ever be a wedding....
I just don't know if i'll ever have kids....
I just don't know if i'll ever learn how to control my anxiety.....
I just don't know if he'll ever learn to help...


I Just Don't Know....

Thinkin Bout You - Frank Ocean

A tornado flew around my room before you

came

Excuse the mess it made, it usually doesn't 

rain

In Southern California, much like Arizona 

My eyes don't shed tears, but, boy, they

bawl

When I'm thinkin' 'bout you

(Ooh, no,no,no)

I've been thinkin' 'bout you

(You know,know,know)

I've been thinkin' 'bout you

Do you think about me still?

Do ya, do ya?

Or do you not think so far ahead? (ahead)

'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever (Oooh,

oooh)

Or do you not think so far ahead? (ahead)

'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever (Oooh,

oooh)

No, I don't like you, I just thought you were

cool

Enough to kick it

Got a beach house I could sell you in

Idaho

Since you think I don't love you, I just

thought you were cute

That's why I kiss you

Got a fighter jet, I don't get fly it, though

I'm lyin' down thinkin' 'bout you

I've been thinkin' 'bout you

(You know,know,know)

I've been thinkin' 'bout you

Do you think about me still?

Do ya, do ya?

Or do you not think so far ahead? (ahead)

'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever (Oooh,

oooh)

Or do you not think so far ahead? (ahead)

'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever (Oooh,

oooh)

Yes, of course

I remember, how could I forget?

How you feel?

And though you were my first time

A new feel

It won't ever get old, not in my soul

Not in my spirit, keep it alive

We'll go down this road

'Til it turns from color to black and white

Or do you not think so far ahead? (ahead)

'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever (Oooh,

oooh)

Or do you not think so far ahead? (ahead)

'Cause I been thinkin' 'bout forever (Oooh,

oooh)